A Pain in the Ass

Aside from Mason returning to school after Christmas break and Siena starting dance lessons, my rear end has garnered the majority of the attention over the last week. I was wholly prepared to completely ignore it for blogging purposes until discovering that numerous family members have had this same affliction but have remained completely silent about the whole endeavour. Well, since grace and tact aren't much my style anyway and I'm still on narcotics, why not share the gory details of my week with all of the internet.

Be forewarned, this week's blog will fall under the category of TMI.

It all started last Saturday when I woke up in the middle of the night with a sharp pain in my nether-regions. I hadn't felt anything like it and it was none too pleasant.

Sunday, it was still there. Sitting hurt. Standing hurt. It throbbed in all positions. Finally by mid-afternoon I asked Luis to go to the store and invest in some Preparation-H. He kindly informed me that we had some. Well, when I went to apply said P-H, I felt a giant bump. Now, I don't go poking around there too often but I knew enough to know that wasn't supposed to be there.

After having Luis confirm that there was something there that shouldn't be, I hit the internet. Research led me to believe it to be an abscess. As luck would have it, I had an appointment already scheduled for the next day with my doctor, Dr. J, for some annual female fun.

While in the waiting room for the doctor, I had the honor of hearing a Russian lady, who had arrived 20 minutes late for her appointment, argue vehemently with the receptionist that her clock was wrong and then threaten to have her fired and replaced. Nothing like a display by a crazy lady to get you in the mood for a check up.

So, feet in stirups, Dr. J announced that "You don't have an abscess. That, my dear, is a hemorrhoid!" "HEMORRHOID!?!" I replied, "Don't only old people get hemorrhoids?!?" Apparently not. She then informed me that she can't treat hemorrhoids in her office. I would have to go see another doctor the next day.

For anyone as uninformed of this affliction as I was a week ago, a hemorrhoid is defined as swelling and inflammation of veins in the rectum and anus. External hemorrhoids are prone to thrombosis: if the vein ruptures and/or a blood clot develops, the hemorrhoid becomes a thrombosed hemorrhoid. This is what happened to me. Sounds lovely, doesn't it.

PWCL has been experiencing some financial concerns of late necessitating a number of extra meetings. I had a task force meeting after my appointment Monday night. Even though my rear end was in agony, I decided to go both because I thought it might allow me a chance to focus on something else and also because it would be too embarassing to have to explain the reason for missing the meeting.

Enter doctor #2, Dr. G.

I'm pretty sure nothing in life can prepare you for having your first meeting with someone involve them examining your rear end. That's what happened 5 minutes into my initial meeting with Dr. G though. I knew that all hopes of dignity were gone the minute I felt this lump so it doesn't much matter. He confirmed the hemorrhoid diagnosis (apparently it was painfully obvious) and, like Dr. J informed me that "we can't handle that here in the office - we'll have to schedule you in the OR for later today".

This was not how I had my week planned. For added fun, I had to send vague emails to my manager explaining my continued absence from work.

So, Tuesday evening, I went back to the OR and had Dr. G cut it off. I'm pretty sure those were my exact words going in..."cut it off". And cut it off he did.

I was feeling great several hours after the amputation of my hemorrhoid. Then a few hour later, the pain set it. Aside from short, intermittent stints, I didn't sleep for the next 2 days. I shoved ice down my pants and sat on a donut (until the donut popped). Percocet helped little the first 48 hours. I now know what misery was.

I killed time trying to distract myself watching Sex and the City and Band of Brothers. Time well spent.

Further good news came on Thursday when Dr. J sent me an email informing me that "PAP is good but you have a yeast infection". Well, why not.

As of today, the rear is feeling better but I'm still fighting the fatigue. I'm ready to go to bed at about 4 PM every afternoon. Work next week should be a lot of fun.